December 17, 2012

the Dream...



Today I watched a very frightening dream- I had lost my job, and I had lost it before I could even get on to it! 

This was exactly like what had happened with me in real life. I usually don't remember my dreams, but when I watch some very deadly one, then it does gets etched in my memory for the next day..... The tremendous, nerve wrecking pressure on me in the dream, was exactly like what had happened with me in real life about one year back. 

Loss of job with Infosys had come as a deadly blow to me. I still remember vividly- 3rd August was the day it was. I had to board my train for Bangalore (Infosys Mysore campus) next day. In the afternoon, I was in market getting some documents xeroxed, when I had got that dreaded call. The rest coming was all horror for me. After the call ended, my mind had gone completely numb. (And as I am writing it, I don't know why, I am almost in tears :( )


I made a phone call to one of my friend, he didn't pick up. I was not prepared to go back home in this state. I went to a nearby empty play ground, parked my bicycle, and just sat there on ground. My mind was reeling with hundreds of fleeing dreadful thoughts- why did it happen only with me, why did it happen at this moment, how will I cope up now, what will I tell my parents, what will I do now, how will I get my next job now...... For the next half an hour, I just sat there thinking,.... Well, No. Actually I couldn't think much at that time. I was just trying to stabilize my minds from all those emotions. I hadn't disclosed the matter to my parents yet- "the matter" as in the matter which had led to the loss of my job. So this was another pressure on me, as to how will they take this double shocking news- the loss of job, and the fact that I had lied to them about my semester performance. 
Finally, I made up my mind, decided to go back home. I knew it would be as dreadful a news for them, as it was for me, but then I had to back up and break it up to them. After all, I couldn't commit suicide! 

I entered home, and noticed them preparing sweet dishes for me to take along with me next day. My mother, along with my sister and one of her friend, was hurrying through the works. The sight itself had brought tears into my eyes..... How do I break the news to them? With a very heavy heart, I calmly told- "Maa, hm kal nai jaibau" (Maa, I will not be going tomorrow). After that I shortly told them to stop preparing those dishes for me and then simply headed to take a sleep. In the evening, after waking up (had I been able to sleep?), I told the matter in detail. It was a shock for them too. 
But pressure on me was just unbearable . There was first anger of parents for having lied to them about a matter which became the reason for this loss of job. Then there was pressure of this loss of job. And added to that was the worry, as to what do I do next? 

The following times had been tormenting as hell. I get goosebumps when I think of them. Personal pressure along with parental pressure had made the life hell for me. Thank God, that I came out of it.

The whole incident made me reflect on my life. Why did it happen? I found that it was due to my weakness to balance various jobs in my life, and also due to me being extra emotional at times. I got too much involved in Rahul's and Harshita's matters. This of course helped them a lot, which was what I always wished, but those two events left a shocking impact on my career. I didn't know how far to go. I couldn't decide how much I could give in to help them,keeping I mind that I am able to save my own career from scratches. I got too much emotionally involved in both the matters, I just lost hold of my ability to balance my study life with non-study life. 

Anyway, finally now, I am in a far better position than I had been, in those dreadful times. I have got a job, and got it in an area which I always dreamed to work in, and I have got a job in a very reputed company. The end is well, and I am very thankful that those events didn't completely changed the course of my life (as I was fearing). I am treading on the same professional life-path which I always wished to :) 
I learned a few very good lessons, and I finally reached where I wanted to. It's just that I got delayed a bit. But then I don't mind it. After all, I can take this much pain for saving a few lives. My career is important, but so are some innocent lives. I don't regret my actions, it's just that I think I should have acted a bit more judiciously. Hope I will, henceforth :)

4 comments :

  1. I really like this post as it deals with such a concrete life scenario. I guess I am a little older and went over the stage of idealistic enquiries :P Or more correctly put, just idealistic, abstract questioning. This is something sometimes I must confess I do not like. I love being in the realm of abstract thinking. It must have something to do with my idealistic side and I think it will never go away, which in itself is a good thing, just that maybe I need to balance it with daily pragmatism. So, I am happy that you have reached the same conclusion, but must confess it is easier said than done, as I still have moments when I find that so hard to put in place. Even after so many years since the realization.

    Nevertheless, there are still moments when I keep on asking myself if this is the right way to go, reach the right balance between fantasy/ideal and reality, or is it maybe better to just go with the idealistic way go with your instinct, with the natural self. . Looking at your story it points rather to this conclusion as things have sorted themselves in the end ( you got the job that you wanted while still supporting the cause you believed in) despite of some pain on the way. Is it not your conclusion to balance things due to fear of pain and desire to avoid it in the future? Wouldn't have been better if when you found out about the job loss just didn't worry at all ( which made you go through all that pain) and believed that things will be ok in the end, they will sort themselves out somehow. The question of is it not maybe better to believe in the force of good in life and that things will sort themselves out somehow rather than doubting and overthinking, trying to have some control over things, is one that I am in the process of answering.

    It is so amazing to continuously learn things :)

    One more thing to add. I really like the flow of your writing in this post. I guess it is always better when you write from the bottom of your heart and in relation with events that impacted your own life.

    Bless and keep on writing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anonymous, First of all thanks for posting such a detail, analytical view. I wish you had commented after logging in from your profile, because I am really so curious to know who you are. I never expected any comment on this blog-post, because it was on a totally personal matter. But a comment, and this detail comment!! I was surprised!
      Anyway, coming to the point, yes, you rightly grasped my conclusion- "balance things due to fear of pain and desire to avoid it in the future". What I meant, is that we shouldn't get too emotional ever. There are so many lives, so many circumstances that are connected to our own lives. So it would be very right to act in a balanced, calculated manner, keeping the future implications in mind.
      You further asked- "Wouldn't have been better if when you found out about the job loss just didn't worry at all ( which made you go through all that pain) and believed that things will be ok in the end". Well No, it was just NOT possible under the circumstances. It looks good theoretically, that having a optimistic approach, and having belief that "this too will get over", will just fend off all the pain. But it is very-very difficult, it was almost impossible in my case. Because there were just too many complicated circumstances. I had to face my parents, I had kept some bitter truths hidden from them. The pressure to land a job was immense, and most of all, I myself was not prepared for this situation. The immediate future too seemed bleak and very very tough. I had decided to go to Bangalore for job search, but there too, my parents couldn't support me for long. So it was difficult, the pain, the agony was obvious.
      But yes, with positive thinking, it could definitely be diminished in intensity. It would have been possible to contain the pain to some extent. And I had tried too. I had tried my level best. But all conditions were adverse in that period. So I was indeed burdened with worries despite my best efforts. Thankfully the period went over.. :)
      Lastly, thanks a lot for your appreciation of my writing. And thanks a lot for your just a wonderful comment! :) Stay connected! :)

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  2. bahut din baad padha maine...
    senti kar diya pagle :(

    ReplyDelete

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